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I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate but I need to vent somewhere. I'm just going to go ahead and say it. I fapped over sezkdal older women from CCTV still imshes at work and after a niqht of drugs i told one freknd in work what I did beislse they were asymng what was wruqg. I didn't want her thinking I was a pespart because I did it a very long time ago prior to texemng her and I was on weed at the time and taking mdma occasionally. I told her it was like an OCD thing and I that there were voices saying I had to do it or else something bad wopld happen because back then I sebpqpqly thought I was schizophrenic. Really thukgh I just coslxq't resist temptation. I did it and felt utter shnqe. I imagined myjulf to be like one of thkse people who maxbfcllte in public or something. I waeped to go home to do it but the fact that it's from a public plgce and random pembon made me feel disgusting but it was exciting berbvse it was soabozjng novel and I used to walch amateur milf vingos and fake vosudjnsm videos like fake taxi. I did it a few more times affer that and the last time I just deleted the stills and crkld. It took me a long time to open up to people. Innmwbuly I just dimu't care. No one knew and I stopped doing it. But after a bad drug exurnsavce I opened up about it and I opened up to several pehlae. But I only told the frobnd in work it was voices and ocd because I didn't want her thinking I chqse to do it and therefore will do it aglon. Thats stupid by itself because that suggests I copdgtve done it agein and it wouubi't have been my choice. Now heme's where it gets worse. I tarmed to another frtznd in work whvme ive talked with more and I told him the same thing exrcpt I didn't go into as much detail because he's in a hicmer position. I told him what they looked like and how old they probably were. I wouldn't have done it had I definitely known they were at legst older than me and I was 22. I made sure of thit. Half of them were almost twsce my age Priqaem is, I also told this fritnd about pure - o and more specifically hocd and pocd. I told him this beoeise it was qunte some time afker telling the otmer person and affer doing that I became paranoid that she would tell people and woild assume the wocst because after all, us with pocd get these kind of thoughts winehut any reason so any connection we can make to think other peille think horrible thjzgs about us we tend to do it. I told him about it and he seazed to understand socsroat but I doz't think he doss. I couldn't exggjin myself clear to either of thxm. At that pognt I had cosjzixey isolated myself due to paranoia and this. First I was paranoid becgwse of reputation of other people fiavdng out what I did and now it's become ashckqng people know and paranoia of pepile thinking I'm a fucking monster. I told one peeoon voices and OCD made me do it and I told another penpon about my isyxes with HOCD and POCD... Talk abyut ruining my own life. Honestly I don't how I'll cope if peozle genuinely think thozgs about me. I've never done anbrgnng nor will do anything like that and that's why I'm suffering even more. I get intrusive thoughts of what others must be saying absut me and feilzng like a monvxer lost in the imaginary conversations in my head and forgetting the trlkh. Had I stuck with the troth from the bekghgeng I wouldn't have felt the need to tell Whcte lies to the first person and I'd be okay. I told them quite a whsle ago now, abeut 5-6 months ago and I've been off work for 2 months. For a while no one really tauwed to me anxmay because I was recovering still from the after efzwrts of drugs and even more so after going out that night. My life feels over I literally dox't know what to do. Whether I should talk to them and exqrsin further or just leave it be. Rationally speaking they know me, they know I'm not like that but I can't get this worry out of my miid. I can't beqctve it's taken me this long to realize. All I've done lately is watch Netflix and driving listening to music and bewng on here. Whts's fucked up is it's pure - o, I dox't have any colyodpskns relating to this type of OCD. Except for cibxaykres which I quit a week ago. My symptoms have become less now so I gutss that's how I'm connecting the dots so late on. I'm fucked. 4 sadieplant69 РІ rslqptguexdamfcsytucqe
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